So I'm playing on the computer trying to stay awake. And thinking about Jilly. She's asleep. Has a slight fever. Says her throat hurts. Hopefully it's just a quick little illness.
But I've been thinking about a conversation Jilly and I continue to have. It's a conversation that keeps occuring, she's intent on having her way, and it's one of those minefields that I'll have to keep navigating through as long as she is alive.
Several months ago while at one of Mikayla's soccer games she saw a bunch of tiny 5 year old girls playing a soccer game. She wanted to go watch that game instead. So we stopped for a few minutes to watch. She asked me how old those little girls were. I told her they were 5. She turned to me with a gleam in her eye and said "When I am 5 I want a birthday party at Chuckie Cheese's, I'll go to kindergarden and I want to play soccer ball like those little girls."
We moved on. I probably said "ok". Didn't give it another thought.
Since then Jilly says on almost a daily basis: "When I turn 5 I want a birthday party at Chuckie Cheese's, I'll go to kindergarden and I want to play little girl soccer ball."
She stopped one day because she sensed that I was blowing her off and not really taking her statement seriously.
"Mom?"
"yes, Jilly"
"Can I play soccer ball like those little girls?"
"yes, Jilly you play soccer ball all the time with me"
"no mom. Can I play soccer ball like those little girls were playing soccer ball?"
Well, technically....no you can't. But I didn't say that. At her last cardiology appointment Haley was with us. Her and Dr. H struck up a conversation and the topic of soccer came up. Haley told her about her soccer travels. And Jilly said something to the extent of when she grows up she wants to play soccer ball like her sisters. Which then prompted a conversation between Dr. H and me. She told me that no, Jilly won't be able to play competetive soccer like her sister's do. Won't be able to keep up and would tax her heart tooo much. I asked about the rec soccer ball that the little kids play. She was worried about that. She said unless I wanted to be the coach and monitor Jilly closely. Otherwise she would be afraid of overzealous coaches not having the awareness of her limitations pushing her too much. Sure Jilly will obviously monitor herself, but the possible risk to her heart would be too much in her opinion.
I am so ok with that. I actually look forward to quiet Saturdays not rushing to one soccer game or another. She can golf, go fishing with her dad, learn to play the piano, become a much better cook than her mom, paint...the possibilities are endless.
Except the possibilities having exceptions.
So Jilly brought the subject up again. Like really mom, take me seriously. She's too young to understand the why's. Why she can't keep up, why she gets tired when we play extreme frisbee outside and has to rest. My thought with her is to encourage her to do whatever she wants to do, not put limitations on her, let her reach for the stars. But the reality is there are limitations. There are things that she can not do. There are activities that I will have to tell her no. No, you can't do that.
Jilly is starting to have some knowledge that she has a "special" heart. When she asks we have simple conversations. Why she had surgeries. Why she has a "zipper". She'll tell you she has a "broken heart". She obviously doesn't understand all of that.
I don't want to keep blowing her off. She's perceptive. She wants a YES! You can do it! We'll sign you up tomorrow! But I can't lie to her.
I am sure that I could sign her up for one year. Work with the coach to make sure she's not overworked. But I can't. I don't think my heart could handle it. I know with soccer, at any age, there's a lot of running. Is that fair to her? To have her play knowing that she'll have to sit out a lot, not play as much as the other kids, not be able to keep up.
I know it doesn't need some big explanation that she won't understand. It's just another bridge I am crossing in this new journey with Jilly. I'm probably putting way too much thought into it. It's just the excitement that comes from her when she sees these little girls playing soccer. It's hard to know that at some point I have to tell her that she can't. That I have to cross this new bridge.
The bridge of how to tell my daughter she can't without breaking her spirit.
5 comments:
Hey Dina
I would think that Jilly could play recreational soccer if you were on the sidelines.
My HH son plays rec soccer U8's. They don't get pushed much, family watch practice and games and they swap kids out frequently - especially the ones who tire.
This season, we also had a deaf boy on our team. I know its different because if he cannot participate fully there is no risk to his well-being BUT it was interesting to see a 'differently abled' kid participate as he could and have a thrilling time. He couldn't figure out where the ball was when it was behind him because he couldn't hear the coach or players. He was often in the wrong place and sometimes going the wrong way BUT by the end of the season he was so full of joy about what he'd done that his parents signed him up for off-season soccer class.
I hope that I will be able to find a compromise for what Wren wants to do. BUT if its not possible for him (or Jilly) perhaps we can try and figure out what it is about what they want that is so important.
Since your other girls had soccer as such a bit part of their lives, she probably wants to be like them. Perhaps you can find something else they do that she can follow AND something else in a team she can be part of - or ask them to come to a team she joins.
I guess I am giving such a long response because we face this issue too. All Fall Wren has watched Frost playing soccer and run up and down kicking his ball. He even did a baby soccer class. I am not looking forward to the point when I have to say "your owie means you can't do that" and hope we can find a way to some kind of "yes."
I too am not looking forward to having this conversation with Christopher. We were told the day he was diagnosed that he would not be able to play competitive sports, or lift weights of any kind (even including moving buddies into their college dorm) due to his heart. Since he's young, it isn't on the forefront in our minds yet. It comes and goes...like the other day he was wearing a fireman hat (he loves all things firefighter). And I said, "you can be a firefighter someday" and then I caught myself, and turned to my husband and said, oh, actually, I guess he can't. And it saddened me. (Chris is 16 months so what I said didn't register with him thankfully). But it does make me realize that while he has many options and opportunity open to him in life, there are some that he simply will have to alter his involvement in. I guess it's something we'll have to figure out as we get there...but it's going to be tough to watch him struggle as your Jilly is. I hope you find a good compromise, a way to have her involved that keeps her safe.
Wendy
oh...what a question your little princess poses! Maybe she could just be goalie...and stay there!
But...maybe she could play and be in for only a few minutes..getting subbed in and out more than the other players.
I can't even imagine when this time comes. I'll probably be on the other scale than you...AMAZED that my little man has actually learned how to run! OH...when that day finally comes!
YOU're the perfect mom...so, I know you'll handle your princess perfectly!
Remind Russ that he owes more pics!!!
love to you guys,
Kathy
I think about these choices and realities, too, although we haven't been presented with anything yet. It's an interesting journey with new questions popping up every day. I will pray for you, that you can find answers and there can be a good compromise. It's so sweet how persistent Jilly is. So smart! oxoxo
I cannot offer any great wisdom but the other ladies seem to give you great advice.
I know this may be a bridge we have to cross later in life and I know it won't be easy. There are so many other things our girls can do, lets just hope they find interest in them, and if they don't, keep on looking. :)
Much love,
Vanessa
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