Only 4 more days of school. And then I have the whole summer off. And I get to spend it with my girls. Well, probably only 2 of my girls because I am sure the teenager will have better things to do.
Speaking of teenagers........parenting one is hard. I have always felt that having children is like wearing my heart on my sleeve as long as I am alive to be their mommy. Feeling hurt for them, protecting them, taking the arrows of life for them, trying to make sane decisions regarding the raising of them. And it just never gets any easier. They become teenagers and it is almost harder. You want them to start being independent, but on my terms. Not theirs. Which creates tension, frustration, headaches. But I have started to realize that I have to start letting my own teenager spread her wings. That I can't make decisions for her, save her from life's heartaches, let her start gaining some life experiences. It's hard.
It's as hard as parenting a child with a life threatening illness. Because while I am struggling with letting my teenager grow up I struggle with letting Jilly be a normal 4 year old. She has started tantruming. And I mean TANTRUMING. And I know it's normal, if not a little delayed. I can't just let her be a terror........I don't want to make her a cardiac cripple, give her a crutch to act like a spoiled brat.....don't discipline her, baby her because what if she dies tomorrow and my last interaction with her was being frustrated with her and sitting her on time out. So I am working hard at this parenting thing....really hard. Making sure she gets disciplined when she is acting out, removing her from situations when I see her start spiraling out of control. Telling her no and meaning it, even if she goes on a 20 minute crying jag. Remaining in control. And teaching Jilly that the world does not revolve around her. Not give her any excuses. As much as I want to shield her from all the bad in the world, take away her pain, her hurt, her frustrations....I can't. It's ok for her to cry, to yell, to scream, to sit on time out, to be told no.
I'm trying to be a good parent. I want my kids to be happy. And I'm learning you can't always do both. At the same time. I hope my teenager appreciates the fact, when she's grown and can think straight, that we made sure she knew the rules DID apply to her. That just because everyone else is doing it, she appreciates the fact that we didn't let her do it (whatever "it" is at the time).
And I hope, like nothing I have ever hoped for before, that I get to go through this teenager junk with Jilly. I look forward to it.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Been At The Fair
So I have been at the county fair in Sacramento all day today and yesterday - and will be there all day tomorrow. This is for my daughter, Haley, who is showing her lamb that she had been raising since January. It's long, tiring days. But it is so worth it. Haley loves animals and wants to be a large animal veterinarian. She is in her element when we are at the fair. She takes charge, knows what needs to be done and does it, and when she doesn't know she finds out.
Today was the market show. This is where she shows her lamb in a ring, her lamb being judged against other lambs of their breed. With her particular breed of lamb there were two classes. This is where the lamb is judged on its muscle, flanks and all the other things that would make it a good lamb to market (which means someone will buy it to eat it, sorry - circle of life and all).
And guess what! She won her class! And then she competed against the other kids who won their class. And she was Grand Champion!!!!! And this was her first year showing a lamb. She was so proud of herself and of course I was as proud as could be.
Tomorrow is showmanship. This is where the kids are in a ring with their lamb and many others. They are judged on their ability to show the lamb properly. They are judged on body position and a whole bunch of other things. So we'll see how she does. She's exhausted though. It's tough work being in a huge wharehouse with lambs, goats, pigs, chickens, turkeys, rabbits and steer. And it makes for some great smells.
The auction is on Sunday. So we'll spend the morning hanging with the stinky animals, sell Haley's lamb and then get ready to go Russ' sister's wedding. Another long day.
I'm just so proud.
Today was the market show. This is where she shows her lamb in a ring, her lamb being judged against other lambs of their breed. With her particular breed of lamb there were two classes. This is where the lamb is judged on its muscle, flanks and all the other things that would make it a good lamb to market (which means someone will buy it to eat it, sorry - circle of life and all).
And guess what! She won her class! And then she competed against the other kids who won their class. And she was Grand Champion!!!!! And this was her first year showing a lamb. She was so proud of herself and of course I was as proud as could be.
Tomorrow is showmanship. This is where the kids are in a ring with their lamb and many others. They are judged on their ability to show the lamb properly. They are judged on body position and a whole bunch of other things. So we'll see how she does. She's exhausted though. It's tough work being in a huge wharehouse with lambs, goats, pigs, chickens, turkeys, rabbits and steer. And it makes for some great smells.
The auction is on Sunday. So we'll spend the morning hanging with the stinky animals, sell Haley's lamb and then get ready to go Russ' sister's wedding. Another long day.
I'm just so proud.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
All Better
Just a bug. No strep. Jilly was a little comedian last night.....at 9:30.....cracking herself up. So she's back to her little old self. Yeah.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Not Again
Jilly's sick. High fever. Coughing. Sore throat. Had strep test done today and started antibiotics. I guess Jilly didn't get the memo that this week is a really bad week to get sick. County fair starts on Weds. and Haley is showing her sheep so that means I will have to be with her those three days, yeah me!
And we have a wedding to go to this weekend that Jilly is in - so she needs to feel better so she can perform her flower girl duties.
Let's hope it's not strep and just a little virus.
And we have a wedding to go to this weekend that Jilly is in - so she needs to feel better so she can perform her flower girl duties.
Let's hope it's not strep and just a little virus.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Many Anniversaries
There are days, dates, times that you can think back on and know exactly what you were doing at that time. With Jilly there are many new anniversaries, new days, dates, times that I can remember exactly what we were doing, thinking, feeling.
I looked at the calendar today and remembered that one year ago today Jilly had her third open heart surgery. I clearly remember looking at the clock at 7:30 am, watching her being wheeled away from me, on her way to be cut open. I remember looking at the clock in the cafeteria and it was 8:30 am when I saw her surgeon breeze through with a plate of eggs, thinking "hey, he's supposed to be in surgery."
I remember looking at the time on my cell phone and it being 1:30pm when Dr. Karl came to tell us that she was done with surgery. And then looking up and seeing her crib being wheeled past us on her way to the NICU - and all I saw was her bright, yellow care bear....and thinking "she made it".
I can remember walking into the NICU and seeing all of these nurses and doctors crowded around her crib, getting everything in order, and trying to swallow past the huge lump in my throat. Slowly walking in.....having experienced this post-surgery world before, but still being shocked to see her hooked up to everything.
And I guess that is something I will never, ever get used to. No matter how many surgeries she may need.
Anniversaries. I can't even remember my own wedding anniversary. But I will forever remember every detail and date of Jilly's surgeries. Every feeling, every emotion. They are poignant. They are important. They are what has allowed this precious, totally ornary little being into my life.
I looked at the calendar today and remembered that one year ago today Jilly had her third open heart surgery. I clearly remember looking at the clock at 7:30 am, watching her being wheeled away from me, on her way to be cut open. I remember looking at the clock in the cafeteria and it was 8:30 am when I saw her surgeon breeze through with a plate of eggs, thinking "hey, he's supposed to be in surgery."
I remember looking at the time on my cell phone and it being 1:30pm when Dr. Karl came to tell us that she was done with surgery. And then looking up and seeing her crib being wheeled past us on her way to the NICU - and all I saw was her bright, yellow care bear....and thinking "she made it".
I can remember walking into the NICU and seeing all of these nurses and doctors crowded around her crib, getting everything in order, and trying to swallow past the huge lump in my throat. Slowly walking in.....having experienced this post-surgery world before, but still being shocked to see her hooked up to everything.
And I guess that is something I will never, ever get used to. No matter how many surgeries she may need.Anniversaries. I can't even remember my own wedding anniversary. But I will forever remember every detail and date of Jilly's surgeries. Every feeling, every emotion. They are poignant. They are important. They are what has allowed this precious, totally ornary little being into my life.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy, Happy Day
Mother's Day one year ago this is where we were:
In the hospital at UCSF preparing for surgery.
We were admitted on a Sunday, Mother's Day, to prepare for her Fontan surgery the following day.
And here we are one year later:
I hope all of you mom's out there had a wonderful day.
In the hospital at UCSF preparing for surgery.We were admitted on a Sunday, Mother's Day, to prepare for her Fontan surgery the following day.
And here we are one year later:
(Jilly demanded to be undressed most of the day, except for underwear)
I hope all of you mom's out there had a wonderful day.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
In Awe
Today I had to go and proctor an AP test for my school. It was one of my duties last year but since it was during May I was on leave because of Jilly's surgery. So my school had a retired teacher come in and do it for me.
After the test was started that same lady came up to me and started talking. She asked if I was the person she subbed for last year and if it was my daughter who had the heart surgery. I told her yes on both. She then told me that she has been thinking of me and my daughter since that time and had been wanting to meet me.
And then she told me why and it is absolutely amazing.
She was born in 1952. She was very sickly and the doctors could not figure out why. When she was around 2 doctors were able to figure out that something was wrong with her heart. They didn't have echocardiograms then, just floroscopy. She lived in Upstate New York. Her mother had read an article in the paper about Dr. Tausig and her work with "blue babies". Side note: Jilly's heart defects collectively are called Tausig-Bing Anamoly. And if you have watched the HBO movie "Something the Lord Made" Dr. Tausig was one of the pioneers of pediatric cardiology.
Moving on..........So her mother contacted Dr. Tausig in Baltimore. Dr. Tausig evaluated her and referred her to one of her surgical students Dr. Maloney who went on to pioneer cardio thoracic surgery at UCLA in 1956. So Dr. Maloney at the time with Dr. Tausig and Dr. Blalock (another doctor profiled in Something the Lord Made as a true pioneer of surgeries on blue babies) were doing "experiments" on blue babies. Dr. Maloney offered to experiment on this lady. The parents options were watch their baby die or let this doctor experiment on her, maybe have her live, possibly have her die anyway. So they agreed. He started the surgical experiment with 4 babies (this lady was around 3 or 4 at the time). Out of 4 patients 3 died. She lived. They didn't have heart/lung bypass at the time so she was submerged in ice before the operation. Heart/lung bypass was a byproduct of her surgery too. Since the outcome of his experiment was horrible, after her surgery they went back to experimenting on dogs. Her incision is from armpit to armpit. She remembers being in the hospital for months and having blue babies dying all around her.
But here she is, 56 years old, the mother of three grown daughters. She wanted to give me the message that everyday is a gift and look how far medicine has come. I thanked her for being a guinea pig. I thanked her for having parents that had the courage to allow doctors to experiment on her so that they could start figuring out how to save these babies. Incredible. I am still reeling from this meeting. I can't even begin to explain how blown away I was with the opportunity to meet this woman.
I feel like I met a celebrity.
After the test was started that same lady came up to me and started talking. She asked if I was the person she subbed for last year and if it was my daughter who had the heart surgery. I told her yes on both. She then told me that she has been thinking of me and my daughter since that time and had been wanting to meet me.
And then she told me why and it is absolutely amazing.
She was born in 1952. She was very sickly and the doctors could not figure out why. When she was around 2 doctors were able to figure out that something was wrong with her heart. They didn't have echocardiograms then, just floroscopy. She lived in Upstate New York. Her mother had read an article in the paper about Dr. Tausig and her work with "blue babies". Side note: Jilly's heart defects collectively are called Tausig-Bing Anamoly. And if you have watched the HBO movie "Something the Lord Made" Dr. Tausig was one of the pioneers of pediatric cardiology.
Moving on..........So her mother contacted Dr. Tausig in Baltimore. Dr. Tausig evaluated her and referred her to one of her surgical students Dr. Maloney who went on to pioneer cardio thoracic surgery at UCLA in 1956. So Dr. Maloney at the time with Dr. Tausig and Dr. Blalock (another doctor profiled in Something the Lord Made as a true pioneer of surgeries on blue babies) were doing "experiments" on blue babies. Dr. Maloney offered to experiment on this lady. The parents options were watch their baby die or let this doctor experiment on her, maybe have her live, possibly have her die anyway. So they agreed. He started the surgical experiment with 4 babies (this lady was around 3 or 4 at the time). Out of 4 patients 3 died. She lived. They didn't have heart/lung bypass at the time so she was submerged in ice before the operation. Heart/lung bypass was a byproduct of her surgery too. Since the outcome of his experiment was horrible, after her surgery they went back to experimenting on dogs. Her incision is from armpit to armpit. She remembers being in the hospital for months and having blue babies dying all around her.
But here she is, 56 years old, the mother of three grown daughters. She wanted to give me the message that everyday is a gift and look how far medicine has come. I thanked her for being a guinea pig. I thanked her for having parents that had the courage to allow doctors to experiment on her so that they could start figuring out how to save these babies. Incredible. I am still reeling from this meeting. I can't even begin to explain how blown away I was with the opportunity to meet this woman.
I feel like I met a celebrity.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Witness
Having a teenager sometimes makes me question the last 14 or so years that I have been trying to be a good parent. My teenager is a great kid but there are days that I just shake my head and wonder if I am doing things right.
But that was affirmed for me yesterday.
Yesterday all 3 girls and I were in the car waiting at a light. In a parking lot near us a woman rushed around her car yanked her little girl as hard as she could and then just started wailing on the little girls backside. For what seemed like several minutes but was probably only a few seconds. And extremely hard. The mom was totally out of control. And the grandmother just stood there calmly putting bags in the car as if this happens all of the time. The mom paused - then went at the little girl again. I rolled the window down and yelled at her - the cars behind me were all honking at her. The grandmother looked up at me and yelled back that it was her daughter, she could beat her if she wanted to. I yelled again. The mom looked up and saw me yelling, looked at all the cars honking at her and calmly got back into her car.
I drove away shaken. Haley saw it and was upset, wanted to know why that woman just beat her kid. Jilly then started mimiking Haley and wanted to know why mommy's would beat their kid. They knew I was upset. Jilly sensed I was upset so she started talking and said "my mommy doesn't beat me, she loves me, she tickles me and plays with me and makes me happy. We save the world together, right mommy?"
If only. If only I could save the world. Or at least save one little girl from her mom's temper. Not debating spanking here. That wasn't spanking, I know, I was spanked as a kid. That was a beating, there's a difference.
And I can't get the image out of my mind. I came home and as soon as I saw Russ and the girls were inside I started sobbing. I felt guilty that I didn't do more. That I didn't intervene somehow. And I still feel horribly guilty, and sad.
After I had my cry and came in the house my teenager, whose been a little self-centered lately, came and wrapped me up in a big hug and said "I love you mommy". Maybe I am doing something right.
But that was affirmed for me yesterday.
Yesterday all 3 girls and I were in the car waiting at a light. In a parking lot near us a woman rushed around her car yanked her little girl as hard as she could and then just started wailing on the little girls backside. For what seemed like several minutes but was probably only a few seconds. And extremely hard. The mom was totally out of control. And the grandmother just stood there calmly putting bags in the car as if this happens all of the time. The mom paused - then went at the little girl again. I rolled the window down and yelled at her - the cars behind me were all honking at her. The grandmother looked up at me and yelled back that it was her daughter, she could beat her if she wanted to. I yelled again. The mom looked up and saw me yelling, looked at all the cars honking at her and calmly got back into her car.
I drove away shaken. Haley saw it and was upset, wanted to know why that woman just beat her kid. Jilly then started mimiking Haley and wanted to know why mommy's would beat their kid. They knew I was upset. Jilly sensed I was upset so she started talking and said "my mommy doesn't beat me, she loves me, she tickles me and plays with me and makes me happy. We save the world together, right mommy?"
If only. If only I could save the world. Or at least save one little girl from her mom's temper. Not debating spanking here. That wasn't spanking, I know, I was spanked as a kid. That was a beating, there's a difference.
And I can't get the image out of my mind. I came home and as soon as I saw Russ and the girls were inside I started sobbing. I felt guilty that I didn't do more. That I didn't intervene somehow. And I still feel horribly guilty, and sad.
After I had my cry and came in the house my teenager, whose been a little self-centered lately, came and wrapped me up in a big hug and said "I love you mommy". Maybe I am doing something right.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Support
I'm a little late on this but one of my new found "heart" kids is in surgery. Johnathan is currently undergoing his 1st open heart surgery this morning. I am sure that for many of you heart moms out there you can relate to the stress the parents are feeling right now. Some of you may already be checking in on him and giving the family support. And that's awesome. I wish I had had that support during Jilly's 1st surgery and hospitalization - it was a lonely world back then. So I am glad that this family and all the other "new" heart families I have met or followed lately have such a great booster club.
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