Upcoming

First it was my husband. Now my friend.

".....you haven't posted anything on your blog for a very long time"

"....I forget that there are people out there who still read my musings."

"I don't even bother checking it every day now because I just set myself up for disappointment. Don't feel guilty though."

"....I"m so totally writing that in my post somewhere."

Who knew it would be my opener?

But I do forget that there are people out there who are geniuely interested in Jillian and how she is doing.

Which brings me to the post I've been thinking about in my head for some time now.

School is starting in a week. Second grade? Can you believe it? I can't.

With the start of each new school year, which represents yet another milestone I thought I would never see, comes some sadness and anxiety but also hope and optimism.

Another heart mom posted something on facebook that touched on what I feel almost every night, every day, especially as I once again entrust the care of my child to another for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.

She said "parents of heart kids, please make me feel normal...when I'm up late and can't sleep, I fight the urge to go into his room, lay next to him, and beg God to let me keep him. Normal?? Or nuts" (thanks Gina and hi, how you doin'?)

Completely, 100% normal. Something that I hate to admit I do almost every night since I usually lay with Jillian until she falls asleep. Just because. Because I want to be as close to her as I can. To smell her little people smell. To hear her funny stories. To listen to Justin Bieber songs with her. To smile as her body starts twitching as she falls asleep. To watch her chest rise and fall. To see the little pulse in her neck. To rest my hand on her chest and feel the wooshing and beating of her re-plumbed heart. And hoping, beyond hope, that that little heart continues to beat strong.

I've been with her all summer. She hasn't really been away from my side for very long. She's my wing-man, cause you know, those other two kids I have, the teen-agers? They are pretty much done with me for now. She accompanies me on all my outings, to the gym, to the lake. Hours spent in her room playing Barbies. Reading. Puzzles.

So letting her go in a week for somebody else to entertain her and watch over is anxiety-provoking. Luckily she is with the teacher I was hoping she would get. This teacher had my Haley and is awesome. And she has her little guy friend in her class. The one who has taken it on as his duty to watch over her and her special heart. Provides a little bit of relief.

But with second grade comes some fights I am going to have to take on. The speech issue is front and center. I am a little tired of people asking me if she is from Russia. I will talk more about this issue and where I've been with it and where I am going in another post as I think it's good for those of you who might be fighting and uphill battle with schools to get your kids the services they deserve. So yes, Jamie, be prepared for another post in the next couple of days.

The other fear is as she advances through elementary school she is trying to keep up with kids that are getting stronger and faster. She is not. Ok, I guess she is in her own little ways. But she still struggles with her gross motor skills and is still not entirely comfortable running with the big dogs.

I realize slowly but surely this issue will be falling soley on Jillian. I'm not there at recess. She's going to have to figure out how to adapt.

And she will. She's a fighter. She's brave. She's my hero.

So Higher Being? If you are listening. I too, would like you to let me keep Jillian a little while longer. Thank you.