Fierce

It's that time again.

Tomorrow is Jilly's 6 month cardiology appointment. This is the "Dr. took pity on me" appointment when Dr. R. tried to break up with me 6 months ago and to my horror tried to suggest that we only see each other once a year. The man was obviously smoking something that day.

I have to say that after 7 years with this little miracle of a daughter I think I am finally hitting my stride as the the mom of said miracle daughter. I am afraid to voice that out loud for fear of jinxing myself the night before her appointment but I guess I'm feeling less superstitious. I'm hitting my stride, I realized, because I'm not as anxious as I have been before these appointments. I'm not doing my usual perseverating on all the what-ifs. To be honest I almost forgot that the appointment was tomorrow. I know, I know....who am I and what happened to Dina, super-uber anxious momma?

Don't know. Don't care to over-analyze it. Just accepting if for what it is right now.

But I do have to say that the calm that I feel in regards to Jillian right now is something that I have felt at times over the past 7 years at various times. The calm I must feel to take action, to not curl in a ball and give in to the fear, to march onward into the great unknown.

It's the calm I feel when I know that I have to be the adult in this relationship.

Is calm the right word? Maybe a resolve that this is my lot in life, a fear that requires bravery, momma bear is in the house and feeling fierce?

I was thinking of this the other night at my book club. The ladies and I were talking about how some people fear the hospital to the point of fainting. How some families will avoid the hospital like the plague. I was telling the story of how when Haley was about 5 she fell on a glass jar and cut her palm wide open. When I was at the hospital with her and they removed the bandage to clean the wound and stitch it the doctor took one look at me and said "m'am, you may want to put your head between your knees." I did as I was told because I knew if I tried to stay upright one more minute I was going to pass out.

When the older girls were younger I used to fret about everything when it came to them. I never felt overly confident in my abilities to advocate for them, to make sure they were receiving whatever care it was that I felt they needed - from a fever to stitches.

Then Jilly came along. And I was telling the ladies in my book club that even if you are that person that faints at the site of a hospital corridor - when you are faced with a life and death situation with your child all of that falls away. I think your mind checks out at that time and a survival mode kicks in. At least that is what I think.

I know that I went from an insecure mom who almost fainted at a little cut on my child's hand to a fierce and protective mother. A mother who saw her daughter's heart beating inside her chest because her little chest was left open for seven days after her first surgery and didn't blink an eye. A mother who watched her 1 month old baby go through severe drug withdrawal and couldn't hold her baby to comfort her but confidently held her hand and yelled at doctors and barked orders at nurses, as if I even knew what I was talking about. There was no passing out going on then.

Where did that woman come from? I'm not sure but I know as I was laying down next to her tonight, as I do every night, watching her fall into a sound sleep.....there was that calm resolve. The resolve that tomorrow I will stand next to her and hold her hand as I always do during her echo. The resolve that I will help pull off all of the super sticky EKG wires with her help. The resolve I feel when watching the pulseoximeter machine measure her oxygen levels (and making a silent wish that they are in the mid 90s). And the resolve I feel when her doctor comes in to tell me what he saw in the echo, the EKG and other readings. That resolve I feel that I must remain calm for my Jilly so that she learns to become that super-confident, strong advocate for herself, navigating through this CHD maze that will be her fight to fight as she gets older. Set those wheels in motion, be a good model for her while inside of course I beat down all the what-ifs and worries that try and escape.

I'm not passing out.

Although if Dr. R tries to break up with me again tomorrow I just might.